Why you get stuck at the start of behaviour
Have you ever told yourself, ‘I’m going to start tomorrow!’? Then, tomorrow comes and it’s, ‘I’ll definitely start next week!’
So often, we look for reasons for this - the things we don’t yet know, the expert we need to consult - because knowing more feels so much like progress.
But, behaviour change happens in the doing, and the doing is driven by the decision. People who are stuck at the start of the change process keep revisiting their decisions.
This feeling of ‘I want to change, but also don’t want to change’ is ambivalence not inability. It’s like being torn between two opposing forces, often leading to uncertainty or indecisiveness.
Trouble is, while ambivalence is normal, people are often surprised by it. We all know that motivation wanes, but when trying to change a habit, actively ‘not wanting to’ after actively ‘wanting to’ is also normal.
So, it’s important to expect ambivalence, and have a strategy for dealing with it. People can get stuck here: As you (sometimes unconsciously) weigh the pros and cons of change, you don’t actually take action.
If you find yourself at such an impasse, ask yourself the following questions:
1. What’s good about NOT CHANGING?
2. What’s bad about CHANGING?
Your answers to these questions are revealing. All behaviours - no matter how ‘self-sabotaging’ they may seem - serve a purpose.
They will tell you why you feel resistant to change. And, crucially, what purpose a current behaviour is serving, and what you might lose if you give that behaviour up.
Notice, I’m not asking you ‘what’s good about CHANGING?’ Or, ‘what’s bad about NOT CHANGING?’ Everyone I coach already comes knowing that. That’s why you want to change in the first place.
For example…
Change: I want to stop drinking each night.
You already know…. the wine means I don’t sleep well, and lack of sleep is making me shout at the kids, skip my exercise and make unhelpful choices around food the next day. You know these things, but if you find that is not enough to follow through, consider this…
Good about CARRYING ON DRINKING - quieten the endless to do list, mark the end of the work/start of the ‘me time’, it’s what I do with my partner, it’s just fun
Bad about STOPPING DRINKING – I’ll have to be around other people who are drinking, I might feel under pressure to join in, I might be bored, I might overeat instead, I don’t know what I’ll replace it with
No wonder you feel such a push-and-pull.
But now, you know you need to….find a different way to box off the to-do list, mark the end of the day, and find a fun thing to do with your partner and your friends that doesn’t involve alcohol.
Those are the problems you turn to solving. Because those are the problems you’re actually facing. The drinking was never the problem. It was always the solution, however much you didn’t want it to be.
The good news: once you know how your current behaviours serve you, you can come up with replacement behaviours that support you - where you truly need it - without sacrificing your larger goals.
Let’s make healthy simple
Choose a behaviour you want to change
List what’s GOOD about NOT CHANGING and what’s BAD about CHANGING
Notice how the current behaviour is serving you
Choose a replacement behaviour that serves you in this way and is in line with your goal
Behaviour change is challenging, so hit reply if you need help getting unstuck